I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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