dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
