just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Randomize
