I just saw a hot homeless man
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
