Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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