No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
