Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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