Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
