I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
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