I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
