you guys were way drunker than both of me
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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