I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
