I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
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just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
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He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
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