I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
