Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
