i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize