We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
