zippers are such a cool invention
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
