nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize