I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
