mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
