Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
3pm strippers are depressing
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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