I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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