Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
