You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
