Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
The Olympian is in my bed
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