p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
