Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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