Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
