Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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