Screwed.edu
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
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