i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
