Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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