you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
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he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
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I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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