I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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