Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Randomize
