i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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