my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
