You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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