the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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