the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
