I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
