This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
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My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
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If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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