drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
