Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
