If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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