So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
