she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Randomize
