Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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