I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
