I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
