he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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