She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I take back everything I said about communal showers
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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