I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
