Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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