You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i will never coherently bang her
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
