It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
