man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
