if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
They are going to name an STD after you.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
